My Ideal First Date

We meet at the bars, on the dance floor, where we have the same oddly specific dance move from a movie neither of us can remember the name of. Her friends and my friends all hang out the rest of the night, going bar to bar, dance floor to dance floor, but she stays close to me, and touches my arm softly when I make her laugh. We talk about weird things, like eating cake and Oreos for breakfast, then I tell her about my vinyl records. She says she wants to see them. We go back to my loft, she picks a record to play. It’s an okay one, not my favorite, but it’s still nice. We hang out for a little bit and make out. She says it’s been a while since she’s been with someone. I say, “me too.” We stop and talk for a little bit. She wants to turn some of my Christmas lights on, so she reaches in a drawer for the remote, and sees some weed. She asks about it, and I pull out the little bit I have. We smoke it and go on the roof and listen to frank ocean as we look at the stars. We go back inside, listen to some more music. She looks at me in the soft light, and I feel something I haven’t felt in a long time. We bang. It’s glorious. She falls asleep in my arms, and she’s pretty when she sleeps. I look at her in all that serenity, and I fall asleep feeling peace and warmth in my heart. She wakes up before me, and sees my wild hair, my vulnerability, and the place I call my home, and she likes everything about it, feeling like the silly little boy sitting next to her makes everywhere feel like somewhere she belongs.

The next morning, I ask her if she wants to get coffee or breakfast or brunch sometime soon. She smiles and says she’d love that. I drive her back to her place, holding her hand on the way there. We set a date for the first date, afternoon coffee and then dinner the next Saturday.

I go about my week, waiting for Saturday. When it comes, I bail. I runaway to home, blocking her number, forgetting about everything. She tells her friends who have my Snapchat, I open them and ignore them. A month later I see her on campus, I pretend like I’m in a call so I can’t talk. She looks at me, but she doesn’t know what to feel. I go home that night, drinking a lot and numbing everything. A few months later I text her and apologize, asking for a second chance. She gives it to me. We go on that first date, things are going really well. An hour into the dinner, the waiter hands me the check. I look at his face, and recognize him immediately as my villainous adversary, Darius Huxley. His bleach blonde hair and fake red iris contacts he likes to wear were subtle clues, but it was his yellow sunglasses that gave him away, the idiot. The check is riddled with poison, my Geiger counter wallet picked up the signal immediately. I play dumb, I take the check, and watch Darius walk away. When his back is turned, I reach towards the man in the booth behind me. I grab his neck and snap his neck. I push my date down to the floor for safety. I grab my stun gun from my coat pocket, and shoot Darius as he looks back, no luck; I miss. I take the radioactive check and flush it down the urinal in the bathroom. We’re safe, for now. I run back out, and find my date still hiding underneath our table, but one of Darius’s henchwoman is walking towards her with a dinner menu with spikes on it, she was intending to maim. I run towards them and kick the henchwoman in the vagina like an NFL punter; I had no choice. I take the menu and flush it down the sink and turn on the disposal. I grab my date from underneath the table, and we run outside. I look at her, kiss her, and say, “I have to finish this, once and for all.” She wants me to take her with, I refuse. I tell her to meet me in Seattle, at the space needle 3 months from now, at this exact time, minus an hour for daylight savings time, I leave out the info about different time zones for a reason. She says okay. I leave, and chase down Darius. I kick his fucking ass like a goddamn hero. I take his glasses and leave them next to the front door of the police station, stepped on and broken. The next morning, a police officer will see them, and whisper, “By god, he actually did it.” He’s proud of me, I’m his son, but he doesn’t know that yet. He was adopted, and the son living at his house right now is actually his nephew, who has a brother cousin living next door as his neighbor, but they don’t know that.

Three months go by. I go to Seattle, and when the time comes for me and my date to meet, I go to a Sounders soccer game. They won 3-1, and I had a blast. My date goes to Seattle and waits for me at the Space Needle. She’s lost but finds a nice boy on a boat ride across the Specific Ocean, on a boat called “The Very Large Boat that definitely won’t sink.”

I go home and drink a beer. Tired, I sleep on the floor instead of my bed, and hate myself because I realized I forgot to floss. FUCK.


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